Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Oh noes!

I was sitting on the futon rubbing at my itchy eyes when Emily asked if the buttons were coming in.
I mustn't be a little black rain cloud any longer! Or else I'll wake up with buttons for eyes! And Emily will have to plunge a steak knife deep within my chest! Right into the cold black plum that was my heart.

This is a potentiality that we discussed in all seriousness about five years ago. Just know she did what had to be done.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Declaration of Whatevs

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one girl to dissolve the social bands which have connected her with others and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle her, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that she should declare the causes which impel her to the separation.

The First. You just wanted to feel what it would be like to be with someone like me. Someone who didn't care about what others thought. But I cared about what you thought. I'm sorry you don't like your wife.

The Second. Our relationship was at it's best when my self esteem was at its worst.

The Third. Feta cheese, while delicious, is not seductive.

The Fourth. You didn't take No for an answer. You also left me two blocks from my apartment.

The Fifth. I know you read my blog. I read yours, too. I also really miss you. But I also really hate your guts. I am sorry about this.

The Sixth. You really need to stop looking like a pineapple.

The Present. You need to stop saying you want to do something. Do it. I want you to.

This she pledges; Life, Fortune, Honor, etc.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Things I do poorly, or not at all:

- Remember/learn song lyrics.

- Process verbal spelling. Say it slowly. This is weird, because I am actually a really good speller. I just can't understand it out loud.

- Understand how to play a board game/card game until I've played it three times. Same goes for rules in sports.

- Algebra and chemistry.

-Retain music theory. I have learned how to read music (basically) at least three times. I can tell you that Every Good Boy Does Fine, but I don't remember what the F(sharp) that means.

Photo by Arthur Tress.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Drawing on the Spirit; Bird Skeleton Week

My parents always let us draw in church, so long as we waited until after the Sacrament was passed. I have a much easier time listening if I can do something with my hands. I always scribble on all my notebooks, tests, and programs at church and school. Sometimes Keith Paugh helped me endure sitting still in long meetings by extending fabulous drawing challenges such as "crimson fisticuffs," and "tiger style."

So last Sunday, as per usual, I was drawing my feelings. Which apparently looked like this:

Near the end of sacrament meeting this magically appeared on my lap:

How did I draw such an amazing creature?! It was actually drawn by Atom Sidwell, who then declared that it was Bird Skeleton Week. Everyone was invited to draw an entry, to be turned into Sara Ellis by the end of church next Sunday.

Here are the entries; click on any picture to enlarge for a maximized experience.

Dead flamingritch and toucan as expressed by CompTron.

With kind regards from Jeff S.

The skeleton of a very happy man, who surely wore a bird mask in life, by Kit.

A double thumbs up, compliments of Jeff D.

Dignified, posthumously, by Jared P.

Festivity, predecay, by Emstar.

Apologies to Kat K.'s homeless little dead bird, who fell out of my jacket on the way home from Jeff's birthday party. It was pitiful in the best way.

**Next week's theme: Tea Party. Deadline: after church, September 28.**

Friday, September 19, 2008

Cool Picture Friday

I'd like to be in the parade, but I haven't any pretty clothes to wear.

This Cool Picture Friday picture is...

A moving picture!

If you've ever wondered what goes on inside my head when I'm really happy and having a hard time paying attention to what you're saying-- this is it. This is the inside of my head. My all time favorite animated short, The Cookie Carnival, by Walt Disney. Check out the original some time, youtube just doesn't do it justice.

Oh, cookie hobo of my heart. Please make me your Cookie Queen.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

A tiny glance

into my Young Adult Novel, Spider Season.

We took turns daring each other to sit in the closet with the stuffed creature Fred kept stored there. It looked like some kind of cross between a small deer and a rodent. With large, desperate, yellow eyes. He said it was from Switzerland. We didn't believe him. We thought it was from Hell.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

I told you I was from the Netherlands.

Late night double dutch in a parking lot in Miracle Mile. At least once a week. Contact me if you want in on this hot mess. I'm bringing the segmented ropes next time. (Maybe I'll bring extra for onesies.)

Thursday, September 4, 2008

I had a dream...

That my breasts really hurt. Well first I dreamt about little blue creatures trying to come in through my bedroom window in my mother's house, but then I woke up and did some reading through the slush pile, to shake the weird feeling it gave me.

In my next dream my left ta was feeling some serious pain, and There was a hardened spot. I pressed on it, and it broke, changing the shape of my breast. I was totally freaking out, but was supposed to meet a guy friend. I ran into either my mother or a girlfriend on the way, and had lifted my shirt so they could look to see if anything seemed off. There was also a big mirror I was checking in.

The dude I was meeting showed up and acted unexpectedly offended and irritated.. I tried to calm him down and explain that I was having severe pain my my breasts, and that there had been a lump. No reason to be prudish, this was a medical situation!

So then I am taking my shirt off over my head, and my hands get stuck in the fabric, arms up in the air. Then my guy friend gets behind me and pulls me up against him, facing the mirror, and puts his hands on my torso.

Shocking! Bring on the sexy jams.

But no, he just starts giving me a very firm, very medical, and very quick breast exam. And then signs off on a medical chart, says I'm fine, and stalks off.

So my PSA for today, ladies, is all about the health of your ta tas. No matter the shape or size, take good care of your girls. Check often, and know when mammograms are suggested. Knowledge and prevention are the best medicines we have.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008


Thank you, Aries.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Dearest Lady,

My sole comfort through many sleepless nights. My loyal companion, and friend. Thank you for being so predictable and hungry.

My neighbors apparently have problems (such as they are both crappy people andcodependent). I actually got to sleep around midnight last night, only to startle awake at two. They were screaming at each other, for what became hours. I started this post around four am. Being forced to hear arguments between these kinds of people is all kinds of aggravating. My favorite part was maybe the man's declaration of "Shut your f---king mouth, you f---ing b----; I respect and love the f---ing sh-- out of you!"

If you ever find yourself in a physically and/or sexually abusive relationship, please be aware of the National Domestic Violence Hotline. 1.800.799.SAFE. They provide information, support, and referrals.

If you are in any kind of abusive relationship, well, geez, break up that mess already.

(P.S. Ms. P, I don't think you're easy; just self-possessed.)

Monday, September 1, 2008

To Do:

1. put someone under citizen's arrest

2. nail at least 12 compases in the Solea por Bulerias

3. make a mess in Hollywood

4. bathe in a public fountain

5. go on a stake out

6. pee in a measuring cup

7. mosey on my bike for miles on a warm night

8. fall into the ocean and dissolve into a million pieces of starlight