Friday, January 1, 2010

Doom Eager

According to Agnes de Mille: "I was bewildered and worried that my entire scale of values was untrustworthy. ... I confessed that I had a burning desire to be excellent, but no faith that I could be. Martha said to me, very quietly,

'There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. ... No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.'" ~ The Life and Work of Martha Graham

These words are my guide this year. Doubt that we will not measure up to our own standards of excellence is one of the biggest obstacles for an artist.

I am not the athlete I was once was. I am still a lousy asthmatic. Inhibitive injuries, and the relentless march of time, have restricted my movement in ways that have made me fearful and shy. As a human being I am doomed to be a shambling sack of broken for the rest of my life, but my passion is intact, and my imagination is without limits.

I can work harder to be stronger. I can find ways to work with my weaknesses instead of against them. I can strive for new ways of thinking, seeing, and moving. My knees are bending and my heart is beating.

I can still pray that in 2011 I'll be a cyborg.

1 comment:

EndlessLoveInTheDark said...

so happy you posted this!! such an absolute perfect expression of our powers and fears all in one. thank you! happy new year, love!!